When the Goal Posts Move

I'm not really sure what I'm going to write here. I've mentioned a few times over the last couple of months that I have been going through hell, and I'm not sure how far to go with explaining that. It hurts to write about, it hurts to think about, and it could possibly hurt some people to read about it, and I don't want to hurt anyone. There has already been far too much hurt going around lately, although in the midst of all of this, new friends have been discovered and old friendships have been, for the most part, strengthened. I also want to protect privacy, because it's not really fair to go splashing personal business about that could impact several people, and blogging about the situation could also make things worse.

Basically, the rug has been pulled out from under my feet and staying upright has been a bit tricky lately. The whole thing doesn't make a lot of sense, and I don't have any answers, but I do know that what is going on at present is largely unwarranted. The outcome of it is that Grant and I are going through a really tough time right now, and won't be getting married, at least, not this year.

And no, he didn't sleep with someone else.

And neither did I!

And nobody has cancer.

That we know of.

Touch wood - I really don't need to add THAT to the list of things to worry about...

It's just a really tough time, one that defies description, and I guess if you're close enough to be involved then you probably know most of it.

Oh, and we ARE still engaged. I have only taken the ring off twice since this nightmare began, once to clean it and once to make pastry. None of what has happened has changed my love for the big schmuck. In some ways it has made me treasure him more, and the situation also has the potential to incite some positive changes to our world. It's just... hard. Bloody hard. And it won't get easier for a long time, and even when it does get easier it will still be hard for quite some time.

The only reason I'm posting about it is because today (presuming I figured out how to schedule this post!), Sunday the 6th of November, is the day we were supposed to be getting hitched, and instead we're spending it apart. My would-be bridesmaids will have whisked me away for the weekend, which will probably involve drowing my sorrows in wine and cheese. I don't know whether any amount of wine or cheese or company will help me focus on anything besides the fact that all my hopes and expectations have been shattered and that the love of my life can't be by my side on - not just our wedding day, but on our anniversary.

Words can't really describe the pain and the confusion and the anger. I can't compare my situation to Jennie's - she recently lost her husband Mikey and has bravely kept blogging throughout it - but I still don't know if Grant is coming home, and if so, when. And I am terrified that I will lose him, and I am terrified that I never made the effort to appreciate those little things - even just being able to reach out and touch him, or pick up the phone and call him, or know that I'm safe and secure and loved with him lying beside me in bed - and I am terrified that I forgot to tell him how much I love him the last time I saw him, and I am terrified that I forgot to notice how he smelt and tasted and that I will forget how he smells and tastes. There's more, but I won't go on. That's a lot of fear for one defective little heart.

So besides sharing my troubles, I am also taking the opportunity to explain how this impacts my list of 101 Things to do. You may have noticed a flurry of activity on my blog - twenty posts in two months, which is probably 3 or 4 times my normal posting rate. This list has kept me busy, and gave me something else to focus on. And maybe that means that it's not entirely the positive experience it should be - because I'm stressing about posting - but it's still keeping me busy, and that's a good thing. I'll probably slow down a little, but for now, here are the items that may or will change:

#8 - Make my own wedding cake. Well, I may yet do that. And it may well be within the 1001 days allocated. But it also may not be, and, short of having access to the Delorian, there will be no way of telling for quite some time. I'll keep an eye on this one and if it looks like it ain't going to happen, well I guess I'll change it to "make a super-fancy, highly-decorated cake for someone's birthday". Or something. Watch this space.

#35 - Exercise 4 times per week in the lead-up to the wedding. Well, I guess I should change that one to "Exercise 4 times per week in the lead-up to the hike". And again, this may still apply within the 1001 days but I'm changing the goal because it makes sense to do so.

#52 - Take Grant to the snow. Could happen, but might not. Change to "go skiing again". I realised recently that the last time I skiied was in January 2006 in Liechtenstein. Yes, I've skiied in Liechtenstein. Hah. How's THAT for a travel brag!

#59 - Take Grant to Kangaroo Island. Again, could happen, but might not. Change to "organise a camping/4WDing trip with friends"

#73 - Get married. Hah, totally NOT a foregone conclusion after all. Don't count your chickens, people! I'm not really willing to change this one because it feels like giving up hope that this horrible situation will sort itself out, but I honestly don't know what to replace it with. Maybe "be in a loving relationship, and be thankful for every day that you have them in your life". Hopefully that's with Grant. If it's not, hopefully I have gotten over the pain of it not being Grant well enough to actually make this happen.

This post probably comes across as callous because it may seem like I'm writing Grant off, but I'm not. I am absolutely not. I am just being realistic. He is still the centre of my universe, but I can't guarantee that these things will work out the way I had planned anymore. Being realistic will make me feel like less of a failure.

I guess you never can guarantee anything in life.

So all of you, take a moment - not just now, but every single day - to appreciate what you have. Life is short, and it can be cruel, and it can be unfair, and it can certainly be unpredictable. The person who holds your heart in their hands may not be there tomorrow, or, if they are, they may crush your heart. Make long term plans, by all means, but make sure you enjoy the little things. Socks on the floor don't matter that much, when it means that the person is actually there to leave them lying around.

Year of the Cupcake #4 - Donna Hay's Short-Black Cupcakes

Well here we are for my fourth installment of Year of the Cupcake for my 101 Things list, and it's going swimmingly. I had originally intended to make some sort of pumpkin-based cupcakes for Hallowe'en and had even purchased Hallowe'en-themed cupcake liners and sprinkles (by which I mean things in purple, black, orange and green with some cute little spooky sprinkles), but then I a) ran out of time and b) felt a bit funny about making Hallowe'en-themed anything when I don't actually celebrate it myself on account of it being an American thing and I'm an Australian, damnit!

You know, for a second there when I was writing the title, I thought it odd that the title in the recipe book was "short-black". I never thought that there was a hyphen. And then I wrote it without the hyphen, and realised that it could be read as "short, black" and although short, these cupcakes aren't black. They're brown. And they're tasty. And the icing will have you bouncing off the ceiling. HOORAY FOR CAFFEINE!!!

They're from the below book, which is the book that first got me hooked on Donna Hay. It sat there, beckoning to me as I walked into my first ever Borders Store and the presentation grabbed me immediately. So cute! Such amazing photos! I was in heaven - a combination of books (and LOTS OF THEM!!!), and cooking. Sadly, Borders is no more. But Donna Hay lives on!

I have since bought or begged all the other books in the series. And you know what? Given her food styling abilities (or perhaps the abilities of her food stylers and photographers?? Who knows...), I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was at least partially responsible for inspiring the food blogging craze. The timeline fits, as does the styling and photography and the fact she obviously publishes her recipes for an international audience (cups AND grams AND alternative names for things). Just a thought.

Also, does anyone know whether I could get my arsed kicked for re-publishing Donna's recipes on my lowly blog? I always make an effort to tell everyone how awesome the book the recipe is from is, so surely I'm recommending the purchase of her products and not detracting from her sales??



You can get this online at http://www.donnahay.com.au/, and if you don't want to search for it, click here



Aaaanyway, I made these for my friend Jody's kitchen tea, along with the chocolate brownies I will shortly post a recipe for. Sorry the photos are so bad, but they were taken with the camera on my phone, which has no luvz for taking close-ups. As you'll notice, I took the cupcake photo at arm's length and the damned thing STILL focused on the mini-orb on my verandah, dangit. Also, I don't know why I keep writing "photos" (plural) when I only took one and stole the other. And I took only one because I knew there was no point bothering with such a cruddy camera.

CUPCAKES:

125g butter, softened

1/4c castor sugar

2 eggs

1 1/4c self raising flour

2 tbsp cocoa powder

1/2c milk

100g dark chocolate, melted.

Heat oven to 160oC (140oC F/F). Put mini muffin wrappers in 4 x 12-hole mini muffin tins (I used 1 x 24 and then made 6 larger cupcakes to feed friends who were coming over before the kitchen tea).

Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time and beat well. Sift over the flour and cocoa and beat until combined, then add the milk and keep going until that's combined, too.

Meanwhile, melt the chocolate. You know, if you're that coordinated. If not, having the batter sitting there while you sort yourself out probably isn't a big deal. Once melted, stir through the batter.

Transfer into mini muffin tins (I found that each took a little over 1/2tbsp of mixture). Refrain from licking the bowl until you really have scraped as much as you can from it. Bake for 10-12 minutes or until cooked when tested with a skewer. Cool on wire racks and then ice.

COFFEE ICING (which when I think about it is an Italian meringue icing, which is another one of those things that looks hard (maybe because everyone gets really hung up with using candy thermometers and testing the syrup??) but isn't! Hoorah!):

1c castor sugar

1/4c water

1/4tsp cream of tartar

2tbsp instant coffee granules/powder (that's right people, two TABLEspoons! My head is buzzing just thinking about it)

3 egg whites

(Note that I shall copy the instructions precisely because sugar syrup isn't something I'm an expert it, and also probably not something I should mess with!)

Place sugar, water, cream of tartar and coffee in saucepan over high heat and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Bring to boil, reduce the heat to low and simmer for 3 minutes.

Place egg whites in the bowl of an electric mixer and beat until soft peaks form. With the motor running, gradually add the sugar mixture and beat until thick and glossy. Spread over the cupcakes.

Tah-DAH!

A couple of notes:

1. The texture of the cupcakes is odd. Good, but odd. I don't know whether I overcooked them, but when I first bit into them they seemed a little dry and crumbly... BUT THEN! Then, they melted in my mouth. I'm serious. It was just so light and it literally dissolved. Soooo gooood. So don't let that freak you out.

2. The sugar syrup seems to take on a life of its own once it is heated, I guess because the sugar holds the heat well. Mine just kept bubbling away off the heat, which made me concerned I was going to end up with toffee and not a nice soft ball syrup (which I assume is what this recipe was angling for). So keep an eye on it!

3. I really ought to moisturise my hands and remove my scrappy nail polish before taking photos of them and posting them online!

Droptober: The Weigh-In

Well. I did a pretty ordinary job with Droptober. I didn't lose 2kg, but I DID lose 1kg and if I keep that up then one day I'll get to where I want to be. I have a million excuses as to why it didn't go my way, but let's face it, I mostly lacked motivation. The final week though, when I had a source of inspriation, I totally blitzed it. And knowing how well I can blitz it will probably keep me a bit more motivated.

I also came up with a system of tracking my progress that was relatively relaxed but just enough to keep me in line. I call it my Traffic Light system, and if nobody has already invented it then it'll probably only be a matter of time before some bastard celebrity trainer steals it and makes a bajillion dollars off it. Grr.

Thanks to the handful of people who sponsored me - very much appreciated, and it's for a good cause.

Righto, I'm off to go for a walk. Exercising on a public holiday. Phht, I must be broken!